When I think a thought like “That person is acting like such a jerk” (ahem, the language is usually more interesting than “jerk”), I feel…angry.
This happens to be precisely what I’m thinking and feeling in this moment.
The part of me that is so pissed seems to think that my anger is somehow punishing the other person for being, in my perception, a jerk.
But my anger is not punishing them at all. My anger only punishes me. It makes me feel awful emotionally and physically.
It’s constricting. It turns me into a person I’m not. It stops the natural outpouring of love that would otherwise occur.
Fortunately, I’ve gotten much better at noticing my anger when it’s small enough to turn around fairly quickly. (I said better, not perfect)
I look for the thought that is causing the pain. In this instance, I realize the thought is a little more specific than just that they’re acting like a jerk. More specifically it’s “They’re being mean and they’re doing it on purpose”.
At the deepest level, I don’t think people are ever mean on purpose. Being mean itself is an act of unconsciousness. (Not to mention that “being mean” could be defined very differently by different people, etc.)
But on the surface, yes, a person can choose to be unkind.
And if I want to choose to be happy, I can allow them to be unkind. I can let go of my own resistance, my own pushback to their behavior.
I do this by trying on different thoughts and seeing if I can believe them and if they feel better. (Self-Coaching 101 is one of the best resources on how to do this)
So instead of “They’re being a jerk on purpose”, I’m trying out “They’re being a jerk because it’s the only way they know how to deal with ___.”
Like Maya Angelou says, “If they knew better, they’d do better.” They’re acting this way because of the thoughts that they believe. (Ahh…this last one brings a lot of relief for me right now)
In this instance, these replacement thoughts work for me–I can believe them and they feel much better. These thoughts have helped me become more “willing to see things differently” as Marianne Williamson often quotes from A Course in Miracles.
When I started writing this, I was furious. It’s just a few moments later and I feel…love. For myself, and for the person that my mind was convinced was the cause of my anger.
They never caused my anger. I caused my anger by what I chose to believe. And I caused my relief by choosing to see things differently.
(Gotta share another video from Brooke Castillo and Meadow DeVor–this one is called “What to do when someone misbehaves”—it’s so perfectly relevant to this topic!)
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